What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 07:35
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Comes on , in middle age.
He knew the spot.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Put me off passion for life!!
Is it just me, or do we all hate Sasuke from Naruto?
One cannot live in the past .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I waited trembling.
I was scared of men, in general
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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Ive learnt so much.
Shouldn’t there be a short porn platform like TikTok?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
What is one fantasy you have never told anyone about but really want to do?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Who then, do I blame.?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So, i spoilt her more .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I don,t even have a pension.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I said to her
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We were not on the streets..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My family never makes their pension either.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It was going to be , some day.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
This is soul school!.
I have no regrets .
Was to survive, this bastard.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She found it foreign!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She wouldn,t have been !
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Would this be the day?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
All the time i was locked up.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
When she asked me how she looked .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But ive been too sick for many years..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Especially a lifetime of it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I could never make a relationship work though!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I think the readers, may guess!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
What did i know ?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She loved him until the end.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was 9 years of age.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We all went to grammer schools
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I will be 64.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im still living with it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And i lived it daily.
But, we were locked up after school.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She married twice! .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But it wasn’t much.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was very sick at this time too.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My life is so biszare .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was seconnd youngest,
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So whats the point in blame.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She was in good health!